


The love that diverges

by plopdropflop



Series: It's just love, isn't it [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Gen, Na Jaemin-centric, Questioning, Sad Na Jaemin, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:14:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25693372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plopdropflop/pseuds/plopdropflop
Summary: Jaemin loves to love, until he realizes his definition of love differs from the rest.(Or, alternatively; an essay on the value of platonic relationships).
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun & Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno & Na Jaemin, Na Jaemin & NCT Dream Ensemble, Na Jaemin & Park Jisung
Series: It's just love, isn't it [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1873945
Comments: 38
Kudos: 107





	1. Romance (1)

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclaimer, this is insanely self indulgent and based of my own experiences.

Jaemin loves to love. 

Everyone would agree, the same way everyone would agree that the sky is blue and the ocean is deep. Na Jaemin just loves to love, because that's just who he is as a person. There is no question about it.

Jaemin chalks it up to his upbringing; an only child, the sole recipient of all the adoration and care his parents and grandparents had to offer. He had been raised with these values ingrained right into his core; if you receive, you must know how to give, his mother would always tell him. 

Nothing changes, even as he grows up, even as he joins SM, even as he trains day and night. It doesn't matter if he's tired, exhausted or in a bad mood. He would always be there to offer kindness to everyone, no conditions attached. 

And it would show, in the way he would always hand out water bottles during breaks, pay for lunches without being asked, lend a comforting shoulder to anyone needing it. 

At first, people were wary. Suspicious even, that he had an ulterior motive. However, as time goes on, and their numbers dwindle and they're too exhausted to worry about things like that, they accept that maybe Na Jaemin is just genuinely a nice person. 

It's this quality of his that makes people seek him out for advice. 

It's also this quality of him that led to immense confusion due to said advice. 

_ I have a crush _ , they would say, and Jaemin would be amazed because he's never had one. He would ask,  _ how can you tell? _

And they would explain their reasoning, which always sounded straight out of WebMD, with phrases such as "stuttering hearts" or "unable to breathe".

He was confused, but he never gave it much mind, parroting off words he recalled from movies or books.  _ Follow your heart _ , he would say, and they would nod, and that was that. 

This would go on, even as their debut got finalized, as their training hours got upped by a hundred, as they worked themselves to the bone. Jaemin's priorities lay clear to him; clear their debut with sparkling results, secure NCT Dream a place in the ever growing market of kpop idols.

Which is why he doesn't really understand why Donghyuck was so stressed over the prospect of liking Mark, or why Jeno would go on unstoppable rants about the unfairness of the idol industry because he couldn't ask out that girl he met once at a convenience store, or why Renjun would have hidden drawings of an actor in a drama he found attractive.

He thinks there are more important things to focus on. When he tells Jeno this, the boy just laughs. "It's because you've never liked anyone, Jaemin, you'll understand soon enough," he says, and Jaemin nods because it makes sense. He can't judge something he's never experienced, after all.

Eventually, the exhaustion catches up to them as well, and such conversations halt, and the prospect of something as meagre as a crush gets pushed back into a corner of his mind. 

He doesn't think it's important. He's still young, there's still more time.

* * *

This excuse stops working when one day, Jisung walks into his room, looking like he's seen a ghost. Jaemin, lounging on the bed, glances up at him quizzically, putting his phone down.

Jisung catches sight of him and immediately makes a beeline into Jaemin's chest, and they fall back onto the soft mattress. Jisung seems almost desperate for affection, shoving his face against Jaemin's shoulder hard enough to bruise. 

"Whoa, whoa, easy there," Jaemin says, wrapping steady arms around him and holding him in place, alarmed when the boy goes completely limp against his sternum. "What's wrong?" 

Was it another bad evaluation? Did he not get the steps right for the dance he's been trying to learn? Did an instructor say something to him? Did one of the older trainees pick on him again? 

Potential scenarios whirl around in his mind, getting worse and worse by the second, and Jaemin is halfway through plotting murder when Jisung finally speaks up. 

"Hyung," Jisung sniffs, tilting his head to look up. "I think… I have a crush."

Jaemin's entire world stops. That was the last thing he expected. Jisung? A crush? Someone as work oriented as  _ Jisung _ ? Sure, Jaemin had always tried to push him to do and experience things more normal for a kid his age but a  _ crush? _

"W-what do you mean?" Jaemin asks, shifting until Jisung rests his head on Jaemin's lap, staring up at him like he held all the answers in the universe.

"Promise you won't laugh at me?" Jisung says quietly, looking ready to cry, and Jaemin is so  _ baffled _ , because was it that serious? Why would he cry? Weren't crushes supposed to be cute and fun and all that? 

Still, he nods slowly, ready to comfort Jisung if need be, pushing away his confused inner monologue in favor of soothing a hand through Jisung's hair, encouraging him to talk. 

"It's… it's Jeno hyung…." Jisung trailts off, previously pale face burning and red, looking absolutely mortified. 

Jaemin can't help the widening of his eyes, the shock that grips him at that, because  _ Jeno? _

Jisung seems to comprehend Jaemin's stunned silence as something else, and he jerks back from Jaemin's hold, throwing him a fearful look. 

"Wait, hyung, I meant—"

"No, quiet down Jisung, there's nothing wrong with it," Jaemin rushes to explain, pulling Jisung back onto his lap before he could wriggle away. "I'm just surprised, okay? Don't worry."

Jisung accepts this, sighing and deflating against Jaemin once more, his cheek squished against Jaemin's thigh. Jaemin looks down at him with undeniable fondness bubbling within him, because Jisung is always so genuine about everything and so very cute, and Jaemin just wants to swaddle him in blankets and hide him away sometimes. 

Which is why he's so taken back, because he feels the exact same towards Jeno, like Jeno was a little puppy Jaemin has a responsibility towards, and he's  _ trying  _ to look at him through Jisung's perspective but it's impossible; at least, based on the descriptions he's heard. 

Maybe it's different for Jisung?

"What does it feel like, Sung?" He asks, curious.

Jisung groans. "Ah, this is so embarrassing… I just… I've always felt competitive towards him y'know?" 

Jaemin nods, both amused and bemused, because  _ yes _ he knows; he's broken up plenty of their petty fights before, but also  _ no _ he doesn't know how that translates into having a crush. 

"And recently," Jisung continues, "I realized that maybe the reason why I feel like that isn't because I'm jealous or anything… but because I want to show him that I'm… cool…?" he trails off uncertainly.

Jaemin snorts, and Jisung groans louder, hiding his face in Jaemin's stomach 

"This is the worst. You're the worst, hyung, why am I telling you this, you're his best friend."

"It's because you love me," he coos, pinching Jisung's cheeks. 

Jisung doesn't respond to that — none of them ever do, and he's gotten used to ignoring the pang in his heart — and instead he sighs. "Hyung, what do I do? Will he like me back?" 

_ No, _ Jaemin's brain immediately supplies, but he realizes Jisung is genuinely asking. Once again, he's baffled. Is Jisung seriously considering this? That's dumb, Jeno would never like him back like that, and Jisung would eventually stop liking him too. Why make it bigger than it is? 

Jisung rolls his eyes at Jaemin's silence, pulling away from him. 

"Hyuckie hyung told me you're weird with this, I guess I didn't believe him at first but…"

Jaemin huffs, offended and guilty at the same time. 

"You told him?" He asks, trying to reach out for Jisung once more.

"Yes, I did," Jisung says, relenting into his hold. "And he was much better at it too, hyung. He told me to give it a chance."

_ That's so stupid, what the fuck _ , his brain tells him, and once more, he has to ignore it even though he knows he's right. He thought the scenes in romance movies where love — which this definitely isn't, by the way, it's obviously just a crush — conquers all is just that — movies. Not applicable to real life. 

Holy shit, was Donghyuck's obsession with romance movies like, real? Not because they're entertaining, but because he actually finds them heart-warming? Like they're things to take genuine life lessons from? Was Jaemin watching them wrong? 

He's completely confused now, so much so that he misses Jisung's next spiel of words, and when he realizes, Jisung is already getting up with a scoff. He leaves the room without so much as a goodbye, and Jaemin doesn't take it to heart because mood swings like that are common with Jisung. If anything, Jisung would be the one hurt when he calms down, and he'll come back soon enough. 

Jaemin leans against the pillow. He thinks about Jeno. Thinks about his objectively handsome face. Thinks about the muscles he's starting to build. Thinks about how kind he is. 

He loves Jeno, yes, but his heart doesn't stop or anything dramatic like that. His breathing is always perfectly normal, even when Jeno lies on top of him during his clingy days, even when Jeno falls asleep on his lap during movie nights.

Maybe Jeno's just not the one for him. Maybe Jaemin isn't into boys or anything like that. 

He discards the thoughts eventually. He doesn't see a reason to bother with it. If Jisung has a crush on Jeno, he won't bother with that either, since his advice is clearly unneeded. 

(His sleep that night is peaceful, and he wakes up to a teary Jisung clawing at his bed. He opens his arms without much thought, and allows Jisung to sob into his chest. Through muffled words and stuttered phrases, he understands that Jisung has overheard Jeno talking about his crush on the convenience store girl, and needs comfort. 

So Jaemin gives it to him — rubs his back, kisses his forehead, and whispers soothing phrases to him until he falls asleep — and through all that he still doesn't understand what he's comforting Jisung through.)

* * *

The incident gets pushed to the back of his mind eventually, like all others. Jisung gets over his crush, like Jaemin predicted, and Jeno is none the wiser. Jaemin has been sworn to secrecy by an embarrassed Jisung — not that he would've spilled anyways. 

A lot changes from that point onwards; debut, promotions, and injury, his  _ hiatus. _ All through that, he never once thinks about crushes and things like that, and he spends most of his time watching stupid shows and eating too much food, forcing himself to go to PT sessions and coming back too tired to think. 

When he returns to the dorms, there's time before they all get to meet up, thanks to Mark and Donghyuck's packed schedules, so he spends most of his time catching up with the other four, happy to have their company back. 

And that's when he finds out that Jeno has a girlfriend. A girl he met backstage, a volunteer staff for an award show they attended. 

He's shocked, to say the least, but he's happy for his friend and congratulates him. Jeno accepts this, and they continue on with their lives.

Beyond that day, Jeno never talks about her to him, and he notices this only when he overhears a conversation about her between Jeno and Renjun where Jeno absolutely  _ fawns _ over her. It's a complete 180 from the indifferent persona he adopts in front of Jaemin, and it doesn't sit right with him.

He asks Renjun about it after Jeno leaves, and Renjun just sighs. 

"Jaemin…" he says, as if struggling to find the words to continue. "Jaemin, when… when people talk about things like love and romance to you, you're not the most receptive about it, you know?" 

And… yeah, he had that coming. He does know, but it doesn't make it sting any less. 

"How do I…. how do I become more receptive then?" Jaemin asks. 

Renjun gives him a strange look. "Just, listen? You're great at it otherwise, I'm not sure why you get all weird when…" he trails off, then shrieks, "wait Na Jaemin, do you have a crush on Jeno?" 

_ What.  _

"What?!" 

"Why else would you act this way? You're jealous aren't you?" Renjun claims, eyes sparkling as if he's had the epiphany of a lifetime. 

"What? No, no I've never felt jealous, I'm very happy for Jeno, actually," he defends, but a seed of doubt has lodged itself in his chest. Does he have a crush on Jeno? It's not like he knows what that means. How can he deny something he's never felt? 

"Well, just think about it, Jaemin. And maybe talk to him, it probably hurts him to hide a huge part of his life from you," Renjun adds as an afterthought, as if it isn't a spear directly through his heart.

Jaemin does talk to Jeno, immediately afterwards in fact, and because his best friend is so understanding and lovely and all its synonyms, he only smiles brightly at Jaemin.

"Then can I tell you about the date we had yesterday?"

Jaemin nods, and listens to all the love in Jeno's voice when he recounts the movie theatre they went to. He talks about the horror movie they watched, how they clung to each other, how they ate out of the same popcorn bucket.

He thinks he understands a bit; he feels the same amount of adoration whenever he takes Jisung out for dinner or cooks Jeno food, and it must be tenfold for romantic relationships, right? 

Jeno isn't bothered by Jaemin's lack of responses; in fact, he's probably glad Jaemin isn't trying to dissect every emotion he conveyed. 

Jaemin leaves that conversation with a peace of mind, but slowly, as the days go on, that too shattered.

It starts out negligible. Jeno spends all his time with Jaemin talking about his girlfriend - Haru - and Jaemin listens the way he knows Jeno appreciates. It’s not bothersome at first, but as time goes on, Jaemin starts becoming annoyed by just how much of Jeno’s time is occupied by her, and just how much of his time with Jaemin is spent talking about her.

He brings this up with Renjun, who only laughs at him.

“Oh, Jaemin, see? You are jealous!”

Is he? He must be, it makes sense. He nods, grateful for the input despite the way it settles like lead in his stomach, uncomfortable and heavy.

“Does that mean this is a crush?” he asks, curious, and Renjun laughs even harder.

“Oh, you are so cute. What do you think?”

“I… don’t know? Are there signs to look out for?”

Renjun looks at him sagely. “Jaemin, looking for a sign is the first sign.”

The lead sinks deeper.

Jaemin spends more and more of his time staring at Jeno. His heart doesn’t stutter, his breathing doesn’t pick up, but he does think about Jeno a lot, which must mean something, right?   
  


He decides to take it up with Jeno, trying to be subtle.

“Jeno, what does Haru make you feel like?” 

Jeno looks up from his video game, surprised, perhaps by the directness of the question or perhaps because Jaemin is bringing up the topic of love first. He ignores the melody that plays as his character dies, and turns around in his chair to face Jaemin, who’s sitting on the edge of Jeno’s bed. 

“What brings this up?” Jeno asks.

Jaemin winces. How does he explain, whether he’s trying to figure out if he’s having a crush on him? That’s not a can of worms he wants to open, ever.

“I’m just curious, y’know. So if I ever like someone, I’ll… y’know,” he doesn’t actually know what he’s implying, but Jeno seems to get it, and smiles brightly.

“Okay, okay. Ah, this is a bit embarrassing though, you won’t laugh at me right?”

Jaemin gives the affirmative, and Jeno continues, “well, it’s sort of, consuming? Like, I spend all my time thinking about her, and looking at her, it’s like… ah this is so cliche, but it really does feel like an arrow to my heart. And everything she does is so beautiful to me, Jaemin, she could simply be staring at the sky and I’d find it amazing.”

That sounds terrifying, if you ask Jaemin. He can’t imagine spending all his time thinking about just one thing, doesn’t that get boring?

“You’ll understand when you feel it, Jaemin, I probably sound crazy otherwise,” Jeno says with a laugh.

“No, I do get it, sort of, it’s like…” he trails off, and Jeno perks up.

“Ah, nevermind, I don’t, I guess,” Jaemin waves it off immediately, embarrassed to admit that his mind was replaying scenes of his friends; Renjun, when he’s particularly invested in a panting, Jisung, when he’s excited over food, Chenle, when he’s bright and joyous in the early hours of the morning. He feels the same overwhelming fondness Jeno described, an all-consuming love for them whenever he looks at them, at anything they do, but it’s different because he’s not  _ in  _ love with them. He thinks his input will probably be waved off if he ever brings it up.

“You really do love her, right?” Jaemin asks, and Jeno tilts his head, considering. It makes Jaemin want to coo, but he holds it back.

“It’s a bit early to say… but I think so, honestly.”

“That’s… that’s good then. I’m happy for you, Jeno,” Jaemin forces out with a smile, and it’s worth it when Jeno sends one back with the force of a thousand burning suns.

* * *

The dilemma never disappears, but one thing he is absolutely sure of is that he is jealous. He’s jealous that Haru is all Jeno talks about, he’s jealous that his time with Jeno has been cut in half, and he’s jealous that Haru makes Jeno happier than he can.

And more than that, he’s insecure. Because he’s always the one trying to organize meetups and hangouts, he’s always the one seeking Jeno out, he’s always the one trying to talk to him now. Is Jaemin not good enough for him now? Does he come off as desperate? Are they drifting apart?

“ _ I,  _ for one, think you’re just being dramatic,” Jisung retorts, lounging on Jaemin’s bed, shoving a potato chip into his mouth, and Jaemin winces as his grease-stained fingers dart across Jaemin’s laptop.

“What are you even doing here?” he asks, exasperated, smacking Jisung on the shoulder.

Jisung shrugs. “I think it’s funny seeing you go through a gay crisis.”

Jaemin groans, wondering where he had gone wrong, where Jisung turned into such a brat. He misses the little boy who would hide behind Jaemin like a little shadow, when did he turn into this pubescent six foot tall brat?

He’s so lost in his lamenting that it takes him a moment to register what Jisung has said. He blinks, asking, “is that what you think this is?”

Jisung makes a confused noise.

“A gay crisis,” Jaemin clarifies.

“You’re here, waxing poetry about how much you miss your  _ best friend  _ and how you wish his cute little eye smile was directed at you instead, how is that not?” Jisung scoffs, throwing another chip into the air, groaning when it misses and crashes onto Jaemin’s laptop instead.

“Okay, that’s enough, hands off,” Jaemin says, grabbing Jisung’s wrist. They both flail around for a while, loud protests from Jisung, but Jaemin manages to pull the laptop away from his grasp and grabs the bag of chips.

“You shouldn’t eat too much of these,” he says, discarding the bag onto the table and reaching for a tissue. “It’s unhealthy for your heart, bad for your blood pressure, and you can become addicted,” he continues, even as he disappears into the bathroom to wet the tissue. 

When he returns, Jisung is staring at him with narrowed eyes, relenting when Jaemin stares back with an equally stern gaze.

Contrastingly, his hands are gentle and soft as he starts to wipe away at the crumbs decorating Jisung’s long and delicate fingers. He makes sure to get it all clean, enough that Jisung wouldn’t be uncomfortable with the residual stickiness junk food can leave behind, and when he’s done, he steps back to admire his handiwork.

Jisung stares at him owlishly, his face eventually morphing into one of thoughtfulness. Jaemin is wary as he discards the tissue; Jisung and thinking was never a good combination.

“What’s going through that head of yours, baby?” he asks, deciding it's just better to get it over with, and grins when Jisung rolls his eyes at the nickname. 

“You’re so annoying, hyung, I’m  _ not  _ your baby, but god do you make it hard to think otherwise,” Jisung groans, falling onto Jaemin’s pillow as Jaemin blinks at him in surprise.

When he notices Jaemin looking at him, Jisung clarifies, “You act a lot like my mom, hyung. It’s annoying, but it’s  _ sometimes  _ nice, because I miss her a lot and I appreciate your obsessive mother-henning. Especially when you do things like clean my room for me, that part is great. The part where you lecture me about everything is  _ too  _ alike to her for me to be okay with, but it’s okay, as long as you keep cleaning my room. Cancels out, you know?"

Right. Trust Jisung to turn something so sweet into something so sour. 

But he’s not done yet. “But it’s not just for me. You’re like this to everyone. Isn’t it tiring?”

Jaemin has learned by now to accept Jisung’s introspective questions and just deal with them as they come. It makes him a little bit proud, honestly, seeing how much Jisung is maturing, how interesting his takes on life can be.

“I don’t mind. I love you guys, so I do things for you guys. It’s simple,” Jaemin answers, shoving at Jisung until he moves enough for Jaemin to take a seat besides him.

“Riiight,” Jisung says, and Jaemin honestly… feels a bit hurt.

He doesn’t respond, not when his heart suddenly aches and his stomach churns. He does love them, they’re so dear to his heart that it’s honestly hard for him to process sometimes. They’re basically family to him, and he  _ knows  _ they don’t return his affections, and he’s made peace with that a long time ago but  _ fuck,  _ it hurts. 

When he turns to look at Jisung, the boy has closed his eyes, clearly wanting to sleep. Jaemin sighs, standing up from the bed as easily as he sat down, tucking the blanket around Jisung securely. He turns off the lights and heads to the living room, where he camps out for the rest of the night.

He doesn’t sleep. His thoughts are too loud.

* * *

The next morning, Jeno asks him if he would like to meet Haru, and Jaemin, in a state of panic, immediately says yes.

So here he is, head covered with a cap and face covered with a mask, sitting across from an undeniably pretty looking girl, who beams up at him. She extends her hand out to shake, Jaemin accepts it, and Jeno claps with the excitement of a baby seal.

Jaemin makes a bit of small talk, and he thinks they bond over their mutual closeness with Jeno. He makes sure to mention all the good things he can think about Jeno, from his handsome face to how much he’s working out recently, and he decides to mention a few unflattering details, like how Jeno is always begging for food or waking him up at ungodly hours. 

Haru laughs, and it sounds odd to his ears, so he stops talking, busying himself with twirling his fork between his fingers, suddenly uncomfortable. Jeno picks up conversation from there, and Jaemin is left alone with his thoughts.

He does feel like a bit of a third-wheel, with Jeno and Haru doing most of the talking, but he appreciates that Jeno trusted him enough to introduce them to each other. It’s a big step from when he would avoid the subject like a plague around Jaemin. 

When the food arrives, Jeno struggles to pick up his chopsticks, and Jaemin coos as he reaches out to help him, taking the liberty to pick the food up as well and feed it into Jeno’s mouth. Jeno freezes for a second, but bats away Jaemin’s hand quickly, and Jaemin is once again, used to things like this so he doesn’t pay it much mind.

Eventually, he notices that Jeno is eating strangely slowly, and after a while, stops completely. He racks his brain trying to figure out if Jeno had had a big breakfast earlier, but he recalls him not eating anything at all.

Worried, he pushes his own bowl of rice towards Jeno, asking, “is yours not good? Let’s switch.” He doesn’t give Jeno time to respond, picking up his chopsticks again and shoving a considerable portion of the rice into Jeno’s protesting mouth. “It’s good right? You can have it,” he says, handing Jeno the chopsticks, wiping his mouth with a napkin, and returning back to where he was mindlessly playing with his utensils.

There’s a lull in conversation, and when Jaemin notices, his heart seizes. It takes him a moment to gather the courage to look up, and he finds that both Jeno and Haru are staring at him with unreadable expressions.

He’s not sure what he did wrong, he used to feed them plenty of times before, still does when it comes to Jisung. Was Jeno uncomfortable with it now? Jaemin can’t help the guilt that washes through him; he’s always tried his best to be careful with their boundaries, lest they shut him out completely, but it seems he’s misread something here.

They pack up too quickly after that. Haru bows to him and leaves, and Jaemin stares at her retreating figure, not wanting to meet Jeno’s eye. The food that he’s eaten feels too heavy in his stomach, and he begins to walk towards the dorm with frenzied steps.

Jeno follows silently, but the moment they step into the dorms, he grabs Jaemin’s arms and forces him to stop in his place.

“Jaemin, can we talk?” Jeno asks, and Jaemin gulps.

“Sure?” he says, turning to face Jeno, who stares at him with a hard expression. It’s not something Jaemin has ever seen on his face before, and he forces his fight or flight instincts to calm down in favour of hearing Jeno out.

Jeno sighs, deep and tired. “Look, Jaemin, I know you have a crush on me and - “

“Wait, what?”

Jeno’s eyes narrow into a glare, before his features soften. “Jaemin, you don’t have to lie, I’ve overheard your conversation with Renjun, and I… it’s okay that you like me, but you can’t… I have a girlfriend now, Jaemin.”

Jaemin is stunned into silence. He stares at Jeno, mouth agape, unable to even comprehend the works being spoken to him. Which is why, when he talks, what comes out is the wrong thing to say.

“You were eavesdropping on me and Injunnie?” 

Jeno sighs once more. “I didn’t mean to, but that’s not the point here.”

“What is the point, exactly?” Jaemin retorts, unreasonably defensive, considering that what he was being accused of was completely false and completely out of the blue.

“You can’t keep… flirting with me in front of her. She’s uncomfortable with it…. I’m uncomfortable with it.”

Jaemin pauses, just for a split second, then cries out, “ _ Flirting? _ How was any of that flirting, I’ve always treated you like that, heck I’ve always treated everyone like that.”

“But you don’t like them. And you didn’t like me before either, but it’s different now that you  _ do. _ ”

"Why would she even know… god did you  _ tell her?!"  _

_ " _ Of course I told her, she's my girlfriend, and we both agree y'know… your behavior comes off the wrong way when you think about like… the intentions," Jeno says, painfully awkward, trying to look casual but ultimately failing.

Jaemin can't believe his ears. “What the… Jeno, I love you, the same way I love Renjun and Jisung and Chenle and everyone. So I act affectionate towards all of you, it has nothing to do with a crush, which by the way,  _ I don’t have.” _ _  
  
_

“You literally told Renjun it’s a crush, what are you saying?!” 

“It’s not, okay? I mistook jealousy as something else, and that’s the extent of it.”

Jeno blinks at him, and Jaemin realizes what he’s said.

“Wait, jealous? Why would you be jealous?” 

“Because, Jeno,” Jaemin says, quiet despite the pounding of his heart. “I miss you. I miss hanging out with you, I miss going to eat with you, I miss doing things for you. All your time is occupied by her now, and all your time with me is still somehow about her, and I’m so  _ happy  _ for you, but I feel so left behind.”

Jeno stares, and for a moment there’s silence, and Jaemin has to try his hardest not to burst into tears in the middle of the living room, where he knows they’ve gained an audience.

And when Jeno opens his mouth, Jaemin thinks perhaps the argument is over, and Jeno will tell him that he understands, and that they should have a movie night again like they used to or something to that vein.

Instead, all he says is, “you won’t understand Jaemin. Not until you’ve felt it.”

And that’s the breaking point. 

“Felt it?  _ Felt it?  _ I haven’t felt it, I won’t  _ ever  _ feel it, and I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal, because yeah it’s different, but what makes my love worth less time than hers? What’s the big difference between loving someone and being  _ in  _ love with someone? Why are your romantic endeavors put on such high pedestals, when I’ve been giving and giving ever since I’ve known you, and I’ve  _ never _ asked for anything in return, but _ fuck _ Jeno, it hurts so much. I don’t understand it anymore, I don’t understand what the big difference is, when it’s all just  _ love  _ isn’t it?” 

He’s panting at the end of the sentence, and tears have begun to fall down his cheeks. He’s tired and he doesn’t care anymore, and he feels so insanely hurt and vindictive that he keeps going. 

“How was I meant to know I made you uncomfortable anyways? I can’t ever make the distinction when you push away  _ all  _ my affections, when you act so awkward whenever I mention that I love you, and unless I’m supposed to fucking, stop altogether or assume that maybe this friendship doesn’t mean as much to you as it does to me, I don’t know what the fuck I’m meant to  _ do.”  _

Jeno’s mouth is wide open, and Jaemin can see him start to talk, but he can’t take another blow to his heart today, or for the rest of his life, so he simply turns on his heels and walks away. He notices Jisung’s wide eyed gaze, and normally he would stop to comfort the boy, but Jisung is the same as Jeno, they’re  _ all  _ the same as Jeno, and the magnitude of what they mean to Jaemin will never be comprehensible to them, for as long as they have a hierarchy they order love in. 

That night, kept awake by his pounding headache, the chaos of his thoughts, he realizes that he doesn't love to love anymore.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that concludes Romance (1)! Im predicting 4 chapters for this + and epilogue, and I'm going to be 10000% honest with you, if you think the way anyone other than Jaemin acts is odd, its because I literally do not know how romantic love works I literally had to google that shit 😭
> 
> I was going to add this to the Our Little Home series, but Jaemin and Jisung's relationship is a bit different here so I'll just not. 
> 
> I'd love kudos or comments! If any fellow aro/&ace friends are here lmk 😭 I'm sorry if i misrepresent anything, these are just my personal experiences with this particular topic. 
> 
> [My cc! ](https://curiouscat.me/plopdropflop1)  
> [My twitter!! ](https://mobile.twitter.com/Plopdropflop1)


	2. Romance (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its a bit short dndnsn

No one wakes him up. No one comes into his room to check up on him, or god forbid, apologize. The suffocating tension is still present in the dorms however, so he slips out and calls his manager, asking to take him to the 127 dorms.

Donghyuck and Mark ask no questions when they see him there, and for that Jaemin is eternally grateful, and he covers himself with a blanket and settles on the sofa, a bowl of popcorn in hand. He doesn’t know what movie they’re watching, it only serves as background noise as his eyes glaze over, but the lull in his brain pauses when the screen shows two characters slowly start to undress.

He’s _uncomfortable,_ and he averts his eyes to stare at Donghyuck’s profile instead, the boy settled on the floor next to his legs. He seems too into it, and after a moment, he speaks up.

“She’s hot, isn’t she?” 

Jaemin looks to the screen, where the two have started to make out on the bed, and stares at the woman. Her long legs, tanned skin, and flowing hair. He looks at the man too, at his defined body and bulging muscles. He thinks they’re very attractive, but somehow he feels this isn’t what Donghyuck wants to hear.

He stays quiet, and looks away once more, feeling sick to his stomach. He's tired of clamping down on his thoughts, but he's just so terrified of the responses he'll get.

And, after ten long torturous minutes, he looks back up, and they’re tenderly caressing each other’s face, whispering words of love and affection. 

And Jaemin bursts into sobs.

Donghyuck flails in surprise, and Mark lunges for the remote, turning off the TV, and they both stare at him with equally gobsmacked expressions, that in any other situation would’ve been comedic. Except here, Jaemin's chest is heaving as he desperately gasps for breath, sobs wrecking his entire frame as he trembles from the force of it.

It all crashes down on him at that moment. He had a fight with his best friend, his best friend's girlfriend probably hates him, he's so tired from the lack of sleep, he's so tired from _everything._

He registers muffled words above him, and he curls into himself, burying his face into the cushion he's clutching. Vaguely, he hears the popcorn on his lap scatter everywhere. 

"Jaemin," a soft voice — Donghyuck — speaks in front of him. "Can I hug you?" 

He nods, barely even considering it, and he finds himself pressed flush against a warm chest seconds later. The arms aren't tight enough to feel restrictive, rather, they make him feel safe. 

His sobs grow in intensity. Donghyuck holds him through it all. 

* * *

  
  


Donghyuck seems to understand that Jaemin will be too embarrassed to properly talk after he calms down, so he takes him to Mark's room and lays him down on the bed. 

"No one will disturb you here, get some sleep, yeah? Your eyebags are seriously concerning me," he says, tucking the blanket securely around Jaemin before leaving. 

It feels strange, to be tucked in like this, to receive words of comfort rather than give. Jaemin can't remember the last time he's cried like that, the last time _he_ was tucked into bed like this. 

Then again, nothing in his life is going as planned anymore. 

Thinking about Jeno hurts; the words he said, the vulnerability he showcased, not just to Jeno, but to Jisung who was watching and Renjun who has definitely heard of it by now.

And now, alone with his thoughts, he's forced to think about the movie, forced to think about the implications of what he felt. He doesn't want to, but his mind rewinds to the disgust he felt, and he wonders if there's anyone he can talk about it to without being dismissed. 

He's overwhelmed. One revelation a day is enough. 

He pushes it back to his mind. 

That's how the game goes right? Life blares a million warning signs at him and he ignores it. 

What was it that Renjun said again? That looking for a sign was a sign? 

He wonders if it applies here.

* * *

  
  


Jaemin wakes up to the sound of a door creaking. He blinks up blearily at the figure, who stares back at him with wide eyes and a sheepish smile. 

"I didn't mean to wake you," Mark whispers at him, tip-toeing towards the bed, taking a seat at the edge. In his hands is a glass of water that he hands to Jaemin. "But now that you are, drink this. You're going to be dehydrated otherwise." 

Jaemin nods, grateful, and he props himself up on his elbow as he slowly sips on the drink. 

"How much do you know?" Jaemin asks, after the silence stretches on for too long. 

"Just that you and Jeno had a fight. And, um…" Mark hesitates, fingers drumming on the mattress, the vibrations reaching Jaemin's arms. 

"Jisung is here," he finally finishes, and Jaemin blanches, droplets of water splattering all over the sheets and Mark's fingers. 

Mark only smiles at him, taking the glass from him and wiping his hands on his jeans. "Donghyuck is keeping him occupied, should I tell him you're not up to it?" 

Jaemin considers it, ignoring his hammering heart to pursue a more rational route. Deep down, he's still terrified, and it sounds stupid to him even thinking about it, because it's not as if they're slapping and spitting at him. They're just telling him to _wait for the time to come,_ only a set of words that he's sick of hearing. 

But on the other hand, it's Jisung. Jaemin has seen how he's started to mature, has seen first-hand how smart he can be, how deeply he thinks about everything. Jaemin was the first person Jisung came to when he realized he started liking people beyond girls, and Jaemin was the one who had helped him through his feelings. 

Jisung may not act like it, but he's a boy of sentiment. He won't mention it anymore, but Jaemin knows he still remembers that day. 

And perhaps it's naive, but he has faith that Jisung will extend the same courtesy to him. 

So he nods, and Mark, who has been waiting patiently all this time gets up. He's barely three steps to the door when it swings open and two figures burst in, immediately toppling to the floor. 

"Park Jisung, I swear to god —"

"Get _off_ of me, let me —"

A shrill scream as Donghyuck's arms tighten around Jisung's neck. They fumble around on the floor for a while, and before Jaemin knows it, he's smiling. 

The two on the floor pause as Mark nudges them with his foot. They glance up at Mark, then at Jaemin, who smiles at them with palpable fondness.

"It's okay, Hyuckie, let us talk," Jaemin says, and Donghyuck stares at him for a moment, before nodding and releasing Jisung from his hold. 

Jisung rolls on the ground, clutching his chest, angrily wheezing, before springing up and glaring at Donghyuck. It's only then that Jaemin notices the very visible tear tracks decorating his face, the puffy eyelids and the redness of his eyes. 

Donghyuck merely shrugs, grabbing Mark by the wrist, and then they're out the door. 

The room is engulfed in silence, Jisung staring resolutely at the ground, Jaemin staring patiently at him, before he whirls around and clambers onto the bed. He's all messy limbs and clumsy movements, elbowing Jaemin in the stomach, and Jaemin laughs as he grabs the boy by the shoulders and pulls him into a hug. 

"How did you know I was here?" He asks, settling his chin against Jisung's head, leaning against the headrest.

"I saw manager hyung return and forced him to tell me," Jisung mumbles, going fully lax against Jaemin, an arrangement he's more than familiar with by now. 

"Hmm? You mean you begged? With aegyo I assume? I taught you well, haven't I?" Jaemin says with a laugh, well aware of Jisung's underhand tactics to get what he wants. 

Jisung however, doesn't respond to the jab for a moment, no rapid fire comeback ready on his tongue like usual. Instead, he shuffles until his head leans against Jaemin's shoulder, fully wrapped up in his embrace. 

"You have," Jisung whispers, voice wobbling, tears gathering in his eyes again. "You _have_ , and I'm so sorry I've never acknowledged it, I'm so sorry I've just been expecting you to read my mind this whole time."

Alarmed at the sudden burst of emotions, Jaemin's hand immediately flies to rest on Jisung's cheek, wiping away the tears with the pad of his thumb before they could fall. Unfortunately, this only seems to make it worse, and Jisung's face completely scrunches up and he bursts into tears, loud and unfiltered.

Jaemin panics a bit, pushing Jisung's fringe back and kissing his forehead. There is no immediate recoil or jerking away from his gasp like he expects; Jisung merely closes his eyes and leans into his touch, arms snaking around his waist.

"I'm _sorry,"_ Jisung says again, and Jaemin isn't exactly sure what he's sorry for — or rather, he refuses to hope, because expectations hurt more than anything else — but he rushes to console him anyways. 

"It's alright, it's okay. Why don't you calm down and tell me exactly what you're sorry for?" 

Jisung nods, taking a moment to catch his breath. Jaemin is very familiar with this expression; born after a particular nasty fight with Haechan, where Jaemin had to sit him down and explain to him the importance of collecting your words before talking — which sounds a bit hypocritical, after last night. 

"I— I never took anything for granted, in my head," Jisung starts, quiet, and Jaemin listens attentively. "But I never expressed my gratitude out loud either, and… I would feel weird whenever you told me you love me, because no one else has ever done that, and I don't see it happen anywhere either, so I'm… " Jisung takes in a deep breath, slowly getting up and looking at Jaemin in the eyes. "I'm sorry for never thanking you for all you've done, I'm sorry for dismissing your feelings like that when you were obviously hurt about Jeno, I'm sorry for not realizing that when you tell us you love us, that you love _me,_ you aren't _lying."_

He struggles for a moment, and Jaemin takes his hands in his, rubbing his knuckles with his thumb and smiling encouragingly. 

"It sounds so _stupid_ , now that I think about it. Of course it's love, what else can you call it when you wake up so early to cook for us, when you stay behind in dance practices to help us, when you spend so much of your time doing chores for us? I don't know why I was unconsciously dismissing you — heck, I was _doubting_ you, and I'm so so _sorry."_ Jisung ends in a desperate whimper, his voice cracking on the syllables, throat too clogged to form words properly. He's left breathing heavily, into the silence that drags on for too long. 

Jaemin doesn't know how to respond to that. For all his tongue can drip in sugar and honey, throwing around flowery phrases and cliche sentences, it dries up in the face of a confession as bright and burning as this. Everything he's ever put into his relationship with them, all the tears he's cried, all the sweat he poured, on the days he was too tired to carry on but did so anyways for their sake, it's suddenly worth it in this very second. 

"Jisung," he whispers, staring wide-eyed at the boy still crying, who looks back at him with a frightened gaze.

"Jisung," he repeats, as he slowly unfurls his arms, and Jisung wastes no time scrambling back into his hold. Here, locked in each other's embrace, there's no space left between them for doubt. There's no question that Jisung loves him back and much as Jaemin loves him. 

"Baby, I love you so much, you know?" he whispers. 

And for the first time...

"I love you too, hyung." 

… He hears it back.

* * *

  
  


Jisung, clearly spent from the emotional conversation, has settled besides Jaemin, and the room is engulfed in silence one more; this time comfortable and calming. 

It feels as if a weight is lifted from his chest, and his mind is more clear. He's able to think about last night with much more clarity, and he slowly begins unravelling the complex string of emotions that had led him to react that way. 

Of course, he had a right to be angry, considering what Jeno was saying was false, and the implication that he was uncomfortable with Jaemin's love _hurt_. But Jeno's judgement must have been clouded too; Jaemin has known Jeno for what feels like his entire life. He knows his best friend wouldn't be irrational if Jaemin tried to work this out with him. 

_I haven’t felt it, I won’t ever feel it,_ Jaemin had said, a bold statement, that once spoken out, he realizes is true. He must have known all this time, just refused to admit it to himself until pushed to a breaking point. 

He feels at peace with this. He doesn't see a problem with it — though he knows others will — because here, he has Jisung nestled right next to him. Here, he has Mark and Donghyuck only a room away. Here, even far away from Renjun Jeno and Chenle, their presence is comforting. That's all he needs; he has enough faith in them that they will get through this bridge. 

The door swings open, and him and Jisung look up to see Donghyuck marching in, his ipad clutched in one hand.

He shoves insistently at Jaemin, forcing him to be crushed between his and Jisung's warm bodies as the ipad is settled on Jaemin's lap. 

"I heard the full story from Jeno," Donghyuck says, in lieu of an explanation. 

"Oh," is all Jaemin can say. He wonders what Donghyuck thinks of him now. 

"I think you're just confused, Jaemin," he says, unusually sharp as always. "And I think Jeno is stupid, but I get why he acted like that too. I think _you_ need to figure out what you feel, and then explain it to Jeno — and Renjun too, later — so _he_ can apologize."

Jaemin nods, sitting up, letting Jisung rest on his stomach as he stares at the screen. "That makes sense. What's this for?"

Donghyuck grins, bright, saying, "for answers! Come on, explain to me how you feel."

Jaemin nods, though skeptical, and Jisung makes an interested noise. 

"Promise you won't… doubt me? Like, I know what I'm saying is true, so please don't try to prove me wrong? You can ask questions but…"

"Don't worry, we won't," Donghyuck says, his gaze comforting.

"Yeah, I've had enough of doubting you for a lifetime," Jisung pipes up, and Jaemin snorts, ruffling his hair.

"Right. Okay… so remember how I'm just so extremely shitty when it comes to… romantic talks?" 

"Yes" "of course," twin voices respond, and Jaemin rolls his eyes at the thinly veiled jab. 

"Yes, so that's because I never had a crush right? Well, I've come to realize I'm never going to _have_ a crush. Romantic love… it's just not something I've cared about nor experienced. I don't see the point, when all other forms of love are much more tangible to me, and within my reach, and I…" his breath hitches as he thinks about Jeno. The other two, observing silently, frown, ready to intervene. 

"Love is _so_ important to me, but the love I share doesn't match with what society deems as _true_ love, and I've really started to notice it now. Especially because of how Jeno seems to value his time with Haru above me, and I _understand_ that she's his girlfriend, but I just don't understand why there's even meant to be a priority between us when I always thought he loved me too."

He sighs, continuing, "I know the love isn't that same, but I just… I probably sound so entitled, I'm _sorry_ but he's my best friend and I miss him so much."

Donghyuck stares at him, considering, then reaches out to take Jaemin's hand in his. "I get what you mean. The type of love is different, but why should the value be? But for what it's worth Jaemin, I don't think Jeno loves you any less, I think he's just going through a honeymoon phase, and once you explain it to him, he'll realize it too."

"But I did explain it… And he said I'll understand when I _feel it,"_ he spits out with uncharacteristic vehemence, his distaste of the phrase evident. 

"Yes, and that was very stupid on his part, which is why I did some reading and I think I know the word for you," Donghyuck says, tilting the ipad towards him and fumbling with the password.

When he turns it back, it's opened to an article, one labeled, " **What it means to be aromantic."**

Jaemin pauses at the word, vaguely recognising it. He slowly reads through the text, absorbing every word, phrases like _I've never had crushes_ and _I've never had a date_ whirling around in his brain, except for the first time, it's not his thoughts, but someone else's. 

For the first time, he feels heard. 

His throat feels tight all of a sudden, so overwhelmed with emotion, with relief that he doesn't know what to say. _Aromantic,_ of course, it all makes _sense._

" _Thank you,"_ he whispers reverently, his vision feeling ten times more clear than usual, his heart soaring in his chest. He stares at Jisung — staring up at him with those wide, beautiful eyes of his — then at Donghyuck — smiling gently — and he takes a moment to absorb the affection that blooms in his chest. 

He feels heard, he feels understood, and here, between Jisung and Donghyuck's arms, he feels loved.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am having the worst migraine rn so I don't have much to say other than I love Jisung so much
> 
> I swear Jeno and Jaemin will talk out things more than I explained here dndndj
> 
> As always, kudos and comments r much appreciated!!


	3. Romance, Relationships (3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've published and republished this so many times... sjfhdsfjkhskd i rlly dislike this chapter but thats how life is sometimes ig :-;

Jisung is whisked off by Donghyuck — not an easy feat, as the boy seemed to have permanently attached himself to Jaemin's waist, and it took a lot of consoling and promises that _yes, he was going to talk to Jeno_ and _yes, they would still be friends, they just need to figure everything out alone, without an audience_ for him to finally let go.

He understands Jisung's reluctance and fear; he's feeling it tenfold himself. He and Jeno never fight, they're much too calm for it to ever reach that level. This is entirely new territory even for him. 

He finds himself obsessively scrolling through forums and articles on the car ride back. Their manager hasn't said anything about the sudden back and forth. Jaemin knows he, and the other 127 members are definitely aware something is going on, but they also trust that the dream members can deal with it amongst themselves. He appreciates the privacy, appreciates that they’re allowed their own little bubble.

When he finally arrives at the dorm, his heart is racing and his knees feel weak enough that he's sure he'll collapse any second. With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, and keeps his gaze fixed to the floor. The speech he had prepared in his head has disappeared completely, replaced by unfiltered dread. The confidence with which he had spoken to Jisung with is gone too, and Jaemin can't find it in himself to look up as he tries to navigate the living room. 

He bumps into something solid, losing his footing immediately. Before he can hit the ground however, a pair of arms grab him, hauling him up roughly before letting go. 

He looks up on instinct. He's greeted by wide eyes, shining and full of raw emotion, hidden behind glasses only worn when the owner is too tired to bother with contacts.

His heart swells as he takes in Jeno's appearance; the messy hair, the sunken eyes, the wrinkled clothes. He wants nothing more than to sit Jeno down and pamper him; with food, with hugs, with kisses. 

But he knows, the way things are currently, that won't be possible. And that's okay, because he's here to change it. 

He feels strangely calm, considering he was panicking just a minute ago, and considering Jeno was right in front of him. But he supposes Jeno is _why_ he feels so relaxed; it doesn't matter if they had a fight, Jeno would always be a source of comfort for Jaemin. 

Which is why, after taking a deep breath, he opens his mouth to speak. 

Only to be interrupted. 

"Jaemin, we can… we can talk later, can I just _please_ have a hug? Please," Jeno pleads, his voice raspy and laced with pain, fingers twitching at his side like he's forcing them to stay still. 

And Jaemin feels warmth being to encompass him, as he wordlessly moves forward to comply, arms winding around Jeno and pulling him to his chest. The warmth wraps around him like a blanket, as Jaemin clutches Jeno him, resting his cheek on top of his head. 

"Let's go to your room," he says softly, guiding Jeno — pliant in his hold — step by step, until they reach Jeno's bed, on which they promptly collapse onto. The sheets are soft, recently washed and changed by Jaemin, and they settle with Jeno still buried in his hold.

Jaemin savors the moment, running his hands through the thick locks of hair on his best friend's head, feeling ten times lighter than he had when he walked in. They would get through this. He's sure of it.

He decides to let Jeno take the reins, sitting back and waiting for him to calm down and collect himself. He takes in a few deep breaths himself, running through his speech in his head, trying to figure out a place to start.

Eventually, Jeno pulls back and sits across from Jaemin.. His eyes are dry — because Jeno rarely cries, if ever — but his expression is enough to convey what he must be feeling. They don't need words to communicate the guilt and hurt they were experiencing. 

"I… I'm so sorry Jaemin," Jeno begins, then trails off as if he doesn't know how to continue. 

Jaemin smiles placatingly. "It's alright. You don't have to waste your time apologizing, Jeno, I already know you're genuine about it and I accept it." 

Jeno is picking at the sheets, his gaze downcast, and Jaemin knows he's bothered by the readiness of acceptance. 

"Jeno, do you really think I have a crush on you?" Jaemin asks, getting to the heart of the matter. 

Jeno hesitates. "Maybe? I definitely heard you talk about it with Renjun, but then you said…" 

Jaemin knows what Jeno is thinking about, the angry spiel of words must've been confusing without context. 

How does Jaemin even begin to explain it? It was different with Donghyuck who had already done his research, and Jisung who hadn't actually fought with him hence didn't care much about the details; only that Jaemin was safe and not angry with him. 

Of course, when all this settles, and Jisung gets time alone with his thoughts again, Jaemin knows a barrage of questions will be directed at him from the curious mind. He makes a note to read about it more so he could come up with satisfactory answers. 

The silence begins to suffocate him a bit, even though it's him who's expected to break it, but the overwhelming feeling is back and he finds that the only thing that he can spit out is a quick, concise, "I'm aromantic."

He sees Jeno frown at the unfamiliar word, before his eyes widen, and he says, "Oh, wait, when you said you won't ever feel it you meant…"

"That I'm aromantic," Jaemin finishes. "I don't feel romantic attraction. I never have, and I never will."

His heart pounds, as he realizes he just showed his most vulnerable side, and as the silence stretches on, the worst case scenarios whirl around in his mind. Despite how much he's told himself that it's Jeno, and Jeno would never ever dismiss or reject him, the seed of doubt still lingered. 

Jeno looks up at Jaemin, fingers stilling from where it was playing with the sheets. "Jaemin," he says softly. "Jaemin, please don't look so scared. I'm so happy you told me. I'm so happy you trust me like that." 

Jaemin looks up, jolted by surprise, and Jeno returns his gaze with a regretful look. "Truthfully, I thought about what you said. And, it makes sense, you know? You've always been strange when the topic of romance was brought up, I hadn't thought too much of it before, but now… it just makes sense."

"Jeno…"

"And I'm sorry, for not believing you when you said you didn't like me like that. I guess I was just caught up in the heat of the moment. It's stupid to think that you would lie to me."

Jaemin sniffs, so overwhelmed with emotion that he finds his eyes pooling once more. Alarmed, Jeno reaches a hand out to him, and Jaemin takes it, pushing himself forward and flattening against Jeno's chest. 

"I'm sorry too. For being caught up in my jealousy. I… I know you love me, and I'm not going to do something as crazy as make you choose between me and her. I guess I just felt left behind."

Jaemin feels Jeno hum, and he closes his eyes, fully lax against his best friend. 

"I do love you. And I love her too, and it's different, but you were right, because either way it's love isn't it? I'm sorry that I made you feel like I didn't love you the way you love me. I'm never uncomfortable with your affections, Jaeminnie, we just deluded ourselves and thought you had ulterior motives. It's crazy now that I think about it, you've always been nice to _everyone._ And —" 

Jaemin opens his mouth to respond, but Jeno is quick to shush him. 

"I'm also sorry that we haven't been hanging out as much. I was just being an idiot. Donghyuck gave me enough shit for it when he heard about it, but I was already feeling guilty. Let's go out tomorrow, Jaemin. Just you and me?" 

Jaemin nods, so full of love for Jeno that his heart aches. Still, he's not satisfied, there's still more.

"I accept your apologies, Jeno, but what about Haru…? She must hate me right?"

"Oh, no, Jaemin, no. I would never date someone who hates you. We talked about it and we agreed we were both being so stupid. She said she wants to meet you again — properly — but it can wait yeah? Until me and you get our fair share of time together," he finishes cheekily, and Jaemin can't help but laugh. 

The whirlwind in his chest has settled, replaced by a calm tide, one that's pulled by Jeno, and he remains glued to him. It's a comfortable spot for a nap, so he pushes at Jeno until he's lying down, crawling on top of him and collapsing onto his chest. He feels Jeno laugh, prompting him to snuggle closer in a fit of stubbornness. 

Soon, a hand is carding through his hair, and he can't help the joy that flutters through him. Rarely is he on the receiving end of such affection, but he thinks that will slowly change.

The weight that obstructed his sleep is gone. He's lulled into dreamland in a matter of minutes.

* * *

  
When he wakes up, it takes his eyes a moment to adjust to the bright light to his left. When he finally manages to blink his sleep away, he finds Jeno, scrolling through something on his laptop. 

He moves to snuggle closer, ducking under Jeno's arms and pressing against his waist, staring at the screen as his brain struggles to comprehend the words. 

"Oh…" he whispers when he realizes, and Jeno smiles down at him. 

"I thought it'd be unfair to let you do all the explaining. So I'm just reading through people's experiences with being aro ace. A lot of it applies to you."

Something heavy settles in his gut once more. Ace… 

"I-I never said I was ace."

Jeno's eyes widen. "O-oh I'm sorry. I just assumed… sorry…"

"It's okay," Jaemin whispers, but suddenly, all the clarity that had hit him the past few hours disappears. The movie they watched is forced to the forefront of his mind, and he cringes as he remembers the intimate scenes. 

He tries to imagine himself in that position and finds that it's uncomfortable. What if it's with someone he knows? Perhaps then it would be alright? 

It sits better in his mind, but then he's attacked with another question. He knows he'll only consider sex with someone he considers emotionally close with but… 

How can he do that, if he doesn't want to date? 

Why is he even imagining this in the first place? 

There's unmistakeable doubt lodged right in his chest, and he reaches over and closes Jeno's laptop shut. He feels unreasonably panicked, wondering why his brain is thinking about settling down with someone right after he came out as aromantic. 

But the more he thinks about it the more _right_ it seems. He wants it. Wants to come home to someone everyday, wants to go on dates, wants to cuddle, wants someone to be called _his._ He can do all of those things with his members, but he can't call them his. 

He wonders what truly separates a relationship from a friendship. Is it the feelings? Because the _actions_ seem to align with his idea of friendships, except maybe in relationships they do things like kiss on the lips, which Jaemin is absolutely repulsed by. 

What does he want? A friendship with a label of a relationship? Isn't that still a friendship? 

He doesn't like this. Doesn't like that the clarity and relief is all gone. Doesn't like that he's suddenly thinking about romance more than he ever did before he came out. 

And being ace… he doesn't want to think about it, doesn't want to think about the doubts that would arise from _that,_ considering the sight of sex is uncomfortable for him but the actual action, he's not averse to. What does that mean for him? Is he just trying to be dramatic, _attention seeking,_ by trying to put labels on things? 

"Jaemin," Jeno's voice cuts into his thoughts, his hand resting atop Jaemin's on the laptop. "What's wrong?" 

Jaemin shakes his head, tugging on Jeno's sleeve. Luckily, Jeno takes the hint, and allows Jaemin to burrow into him like a baby bird searching for warmth. 

Tomorrow. He can stress about this tomorrow. 

For now, he just wants to sleep. 

* * *

  
Morning comes and goes, and Jaemin is even less prepared to question himself, so he just doesn't.

He tells Renjun everything, and Renjun apologizes for assuming it was a crush, and so on and on. They're okay now. Jaemin knows even the most open-minded would've messed up somewhere. It's not Renjun's fault for not knowing. He accepted it all with surprisingly less questions anyways, and for that, Jaemin is unspeakably grateful. Things are going OK.

Except… the word aromantic makes him uneasy now. The thought of being asexual makes him worried. He keeps thinking about the idea of settling down with someone, but how can he do that? It's so confusing. 

He distracts himself with Jisung, who had returned, and immediately dragged himself into an argument with Jeno over who gets Jaemin for the day. 

Jaemin stays out of it, amused as they make a _schedule,_ where they alternate Jaemin between them everyday, and perhaps he should be offended that they're talking about him as if he isn't right there, but it's honestly just very endearing how they're so into it. 

Biking with Jeno is a great distraction. He gets to work his muscles, the burn satisfying, and he gets to smother Jeno the way he's been deprived of. He makes him ramen, helps him put his helmet on, takes pictures of him, picks out flowers for him. It's so nice, and he's missed it so much. 

But soon, as they settle down to rest, his mind wanders again. He finds himself replacing the blank figure in his mind with Jeno. It feels right, but that can't ever happen, because Jeno is _in a relationship,_ and — assuming they don't break up — he'll eventually start a life with her. Even if they do break up, Jeno will find someone else, someone that's not Jaemin. 

He's so confused. Why is he imagining the scenario with Jeno in the first place? Sure, it doesn't involve anything explicitly romantic or sexual, just two people enjoying the company and comfort of each other, which is what Jeno has always been to him. But again… why was he thinking about settling down when he's calling himself aromantic? 

He replaces Jeno with Renjun, then Jisung, and so on and on, and it still fits. But he _knows_ they have their own lives to live, and they won't consider something like this without romantic attachments — which, definitely a No — and it kind of… worries him. 

Maybe now, when they all live together and have no choice but to interact. But what about when they all grow up? Will Jaemin be left behind? Will he be left _alone?_

Jeno notices he's acting odd, and tries to joke around.

Jaemin can only force a smile. 

Suddenly, nothing makes sense to him anymore.

  
  
  


He thinks about it more and more. Realizes that he wants what essentially offers the comfort and love that a relationship does, but without the actual romantic feelings involved. It's hard to define, even in his mind, but he tries to read about it.

He sees that a lot of aromantics don't want anything to do with a relationship. It makes him feel alienated, and a bit guilty, because shouldn't he be like that? Is he forcing a label onto himself? Isn't the love he gets from his members enough? 

But _then,_ like he struck a gold mine, he finds it.

It happens one day, when Jisung has invaded his room again, this time with a bowl of pretzels. Jaemin eyes the crumbs warily, but ultimately decides that changing the sheets would be less effort than actually getting Jisung off the bed.

He's browsing on his phone once more, trying to ignore the steadily growing mess on his bed, when he comes across a word. 

**_Queer-platonic relationships._ **

And as he reads, it's as if someone dug into each and every crevice of his brain, forcing out his thoughts, and wrote them down. He's so relieved, he genuinely wants to cry. 

"Hyung?" Jisung calls, but Jaemin's brain has turned into mush as he reads the words printed on the screen.

_Queerplatonic has been used to describe feelings and relationships of either/both a non romantic or ambiguously-romantic nature, in order to express that they break social norms for platonic relationships._

And _oh._ It makes so much sense. He's not faking anything. Of course he wasn't. He had fallen into the trap of assuming everything follows the traditional route of how romance is viewed in society. He had assumed relationships couldn't exist outside a romantic space. 

He's smiling like an idiot at his phone, and he looks up at Jisung who's staring at him with suspicion in his eyes.

He thinks about bringing it up, but ultimately decides against it. He loves his members, but they don't really understand the extent of what this means for him. And the actual process of explaining everything is _tiring._ He'll do it when he feels more ready. 

So instead, he throws his phone on his desk, and climbs on top of Jisung, grabbing a pillow and whacking it on the boy's head. He laughs at the pained squeals, as crumbs fly everywhere, and soon, Jisung is laughing with him. 

When they settle down, Jisung safely tucked under the blankets with Jaemin right next to him, he feels at peace. He checks off what he has figured out in his head. 

Someday he wants a relationship, without any romantic feelings involved that still offers all the perks, but different from friendships. A queerplatonic relationship. Where he could freely love and be loved. It all fits together, it makes _sense._

He's aromantic. There is no question about that anymore. 

* * *

There are still things he has to figure out. But for the next few days, he cuts himself some slack, choosing to hang out with his friends instead, trying to alleviate any leftover uncertainty and tension. 

He spends an entire day letting Renjun paint on his face, a set of face-paints clutched in one hand and a paintbrush in the other, tongue poked out in concentration. Jaemin pokes his cheek for the fun of it, laughing at the way Renjun frowns. 

He was right, that Jisung does eventually start to ask questions, and he's surprised at how adamant Jisung seems to be that Jaemin will _not_ be left behind, as he grows up. Jaemin is speechless at how Jisung hit the mark so well, considering Jaemin has never actually talked about his fears to anyone, but then again it is Jisung. Always too thoughtful, always too kind. Jaemin makes sure to cook him his favorite food for dinner three nights in a row, basking in the warm glow of Jisung's smile.

Jeno and him occupy their time with biking, but on some days, where they're forced to rest by their manager, Jaemin wanders into his room and lies down on his bed. They don't talk; Jeno clicks away at his games, and Jaemin just observes. Then, when the day gives into night, Jeno gathers Jaemin in his arms and they both doze off. It's not something a Jeno of the past would've done so casually, but it seems Jaemin's words have made them all rethink the word _love,_ and the way they show it. 

He _knows_ Chenle knows something is up, definitely due to Jisung, but Chenle doesn't actually say anything about it. It's just that the frequency of texts he sends him increases, and Jaemin responds back enthusiastically every time, making sure to put in the kaomojis he knows Chenle hates. 

Donghyuck calls him often, and Jaemin has come to learn that while his talk with Jeno went well, Donghyuck's talk with Jeno was something Jeno refuses to talk about; pale and terrified. It's extremely amusing, and Jaemin tells the boy to lay off his best friend before he combusts from fear. 

Mark doesn't say anything either, but he's a comforting presence regardless. He's there to reel Donghyuck back when he gets too overbearing, and to try and pull Jaemin forward when he closes off too much. Jaemin appreciates that he makes time even amongst his packed schedule for them.

There are still unanswered questions, ones he's too scared to ask. But for now, he's alright, he feels confident in his identity, and above all, he feels _proud._

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!


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